Healings FAQ No. 15, A.J. Daulerio

"The more I meditate, the less I honk my horn." Plus, heads up: This post contains an exciting announcement.

A.J. Daulerio illustration by Edith Zimmerman

Today’s installment of the Healings FAQ is an example of what you’d call synergy, and the fact that the guest contributor and I didn’t plan it this way is indicative of our dumb luck, good fortune, and overall lack of organizational skills. Lemme explain. 

I first met A.J. Daulerio on a street corner on the Lower East Side over ten years ago. I’d be surprised if he remembers; I barely do. We were both active and practicing alcoholics, introduced by a mutual friend, and I think we talked for five minutes. Actually, I remember what we talked about. Spotify was launching in the states in a few months, and the pioneering but bumbling music streaming service I worked for was about to get its ass kicked, and we knew it. I remember A.J., who was running editorial at Gawker then, saying something like, You got this. We definitely didn’t, and I was laid off within a few months. But it was nice of him to say. 

A zillion years later, much has changed. A.J. and I are both sober, we’re both husbands and fathers, and we’re both doing our best to, as they say in the rooms, live life on life’s terms. I think for both of us, what that means is trying to be thoughtful, reasonably humble, and to do our best to help others during this particular chapter of our lives, the one where we’ve both got a measure of distance from our various wounds, self-inflicted and otherwise.

So that brings me back to the synergy. A lot of Healings readers were referred by The Small Bow, so you know this already, but for those who don’t: A.J.’s been building a community around his sobriety and mental health newsletter for the last six years. The Small Bow was a major inspiration for Healings, and in fact it’s the first (and I guess only other) email newsletter I ever wrote for, back when it was bankrolled by some tech bozo’s crypto grants and A.J. was doing things like buying billboards on Sunset Blvd. and generously paying small fortunes for personal essays (ah, media). But that all changed some time ago, and A.J.’s been building out his community independently for years, and that community has grown, and is growing more and more every day. 

Ever since I’ve lived in Los Angeles, A.J. and I have had this tradition where we take each other out for sushi when one of us has a sobriety birthday. This year, during my seven-year anniversary dinner in February, A.J. very casually asked if I had any ideas for things he could do with the Small Bow now that it was getting what in my other life, as a tech bozo myself, we’d call “traction.” And it turned out I did. As a devoted reader of the newsletter, I love A.J.’s vision of “expanding the definition of recovery,” love the idea of building the biggest tent possible for this stuff, and inviting whoever’s even remotely curious to the party. I happen to have gotten sober in AA, but I know everyone’s experience is different—that a lot folks who struggle may never walk into a meeting, that there are countless ways to get sober and countless definitions of sobriety. Healings readers will know this is personal to me. People are struggling, and dying, and I think there could be better, more inviting resources to help, and that A.J.’s done a lot of that work already and that there’s a huge opportunity to expand on it, and help more people, and do more good. And so I pitched A.J. on some ideas, and things snowballed from there. 

Today, over at the Small Bow, we’re announcing what I’ll share with you here: That we have big plans for the next chapter of TSB, that we are officially incorporating it as a new media company that will encompass these plans (which include the already relaunched podcast and a very cool mobile app we’re working on), and that I will be helping to lead these efforts alongside A.J. To say all this is exciting would be something of an understatement. 

As I mentioned in my announcement over at the Small Bow: If you are interested in helping us to write this next chapter, please reach out (just reply to this email), and we will share our plan with you. Some specific needs would be if you work in a field such as PR, sales, or marketing, or if you work at, or know people who work at, a rehab or related facility. Since Healings is a completely separate newsletter and project, I will generally keep these updates to a minimum, but it seemed germane today, cuz like…synergy. 

The funny thing is, I asked A.J. to do this Healings FAQ a few months ago, back around the time I first launched the series. The fact that it happened to come together on the same day we’re announcing things over at the Small Bow is honestly just a coincidence; we are not marketing geniuses. Like I said…dumb luck, good fortune, a general lack of organizational skills. But media companies have succeeded with less! Wish us luck, and I hope you enjoy A.J.’s answers.

What happens when we die?

In the past few years, I've slid into the camp of people who believe that the closest thing to an afterlife is whatever happens in the immediate future while we're alive. I grew up a confirmed Catholic, but my parents instilled this idea in me that heaven is this magical happy hour where all dead friends and relatives and famous people mingle for all eternity. As my father was dying in the hospital bed, that's the shit my mother was telling him to encourage him to let go. "Think of who you'll get to see again!" Then she rattled off a list of people who'd already passed that would be waiting for him the second after he took his final breath. It was easier for her to stick to that delusion

I believed that for far too long until I realized there was no information available to verify it. It sucks; it sounded fun, but I've become comfortable with sliding into eternal darkness and letting my spirit live through others I've left behind on this earthly plane. 

On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being terrified and 1 being it’s never crossed your mind, how afraid are you of dying? Explain.  

I feel like I operate closer to a 2 on most days, but I can easily go to a 10 if I think about it too much. But I study hard — Seneca and Pema Chödrön tend to put me at ease. 

As a new dad I'm sure you are aware of the disorienting burst of love that comes with fatherhood. I want that feeling to last forever and losing it makes me sad. But thinking about the heartbreak that my kids will (hopefully) feel when I pass on, especially if it's in the next ten years, breaks me up. My oldest is already at the age where he understands that it’s inevitable. He'll jokingly tell me, "You know you're probably going to be the first to go." Then he'll get sad right after and hug me and say something like, "Please don't go." 

What’s the closest you’ve come to death? What did you learn, if anything?

Eh, a couple of failed suicide atttempts. My brain always makes that a viable threat but I'm medicated now. I learned that I need to be patient and just let the process take care of itself. Death will come. 

Close second: my appendix burst when I was 12 and it was kind of messy and harrowing. 

Here's my third: Due to my close proximity to the Financial District on the morning of 9/11, that might qualify. I felt the acceptance of death once the buildings fell and the sky went black but, you know, there were people who had much closer calls than I did. Plus, do I want to be the guy that says 9/11? I don't, but here we are. Apologies for claiming it. 

Do you believe in God? Explain.

I have a strong faith in my spiritual practice and I sometimes call on God to smooth out the edges of my life. God is usually the light inside me that keeps me open to receiving other people. That sounds real God-struck but it poured right out of me so maybe I'm more of a God guy than I suspected. 

Do you have a spiritual practice? If so, what is it? If not, why not?

Yessir! Big time. I meditate every day, I journal every day, and I pray often. I began to use meditation fresh out of rehab with the Calm app. I would do a five minute guided one, but it was an inconsistent practice. Then I moved on to Headspace and it became an everyday ritual, sometimes I’d do 20 minutes per day. I know it sounds cheesy but awareness is the major benefit. I have a terrible temper in traffic but I’m definitely able to catch and release the anger before it gets destructive. The more I meditate, the less I honk my horn. 

Give me an example of a sacred text, for you personally—a work of some kind (book, album, song, painting) that’s essential to the formation of your spiritual worldview. Explain. 

Oh, “Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chödrön has been fantastic for me. Plus, “The Four Agreements.” I think that if every human was introduced to those two books at an early age and then studied them every day the world would be a much safer, saner place. 

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Healings is written by Garrett Kamps and edited by Tommy Craggs. Ayana H. Muwwakkil provides art direction.

Healings is about illness, recovery, spirituality, and related topics, and began in the summer of 2023 as a chronicle of Garrett’s battle with cancer. We make no guarantees that it will hold together, thematically speaking, now or ever.